One of Southern Girl's friends, we'll call her The Teacher, had a Dumpy as a child. As I understand it, Dumpy is a nick-name. The creature is really Humpty Dumpty. The egg-shaped body is stuffed and strips of fabic make the arms and legs. Dumpy has hair on it's head -- two or three strands of yellow yarn -- and it's face is painted on, eyes always open and wide. Depending on the purchase date, Dumpy has either red-and-white or blue-and-white striped pants. It's made by the Comfy Dumfy Company of Youngstown, OH.

Everyone in The Teacher's family had a Dumpy. And they slept with them. It's not their fault. They were seduced by the Dumpys.

The Teacher has kept it as an adult. When one wore out, she bought another. This has required the use of the Internet, purchasing plastic bag covered Dumpys in bulk, and fears that the original company, which went out of business, would not be replaced.

Of course, it would be replaced. This is the heart of the Dumpy conspiracy.

So The Teacher buys boxes of Dumpys and then gives them away. She only gives them to those who are Dumpy worthy. She takes them away if Dumpy is not treated right. It's not her fault. That's the insidious charm of the Dumpy. It gets humans to help in its diabolical scheme.

There's even a story -- and writing it can't possible be as funny as hearing it told with southern accent, hand movements, and attempts at foreign languages -- about Dumpy being left in a hotel in some Spanish-speaking country -- maybe even Spain -- and The Teacher, risking a missed flight home, stands in a hallway, trying with the only Spanish word that seems appropriate, "juevos," and gesturing with arms and legs as if loosely flapping until the maid realizes what she means, goes to a cart and retrieves Dumpy.

I think Dumpy wanted to stay in Spain. I think it was the beginning of Dumpy's foreign campaign.

Dumpy is using people -- parents, nostaligic adults -- to be spread throughout the country. Christmas, birthday presents. Grown-ups that take Dumpy everywhere. Dumpy is slowly being spread into house around the world. And then eventually, mark my words, Dumpy will rise up.

He'll rise up on his thin fabric legs and reach out with his thin fabric arms and take over the world. In the time, while people sleep, innocent and unafraid, Dumpy will rise in all his stuffed toy forms -- red or blue pants -- all over the world and Dumpy will rule.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not.

And if a school teacher tries to give you a Dumpy, run. Run like the wind.