Depression

As some or even most of you know I have battled mental illness most of my adult life. Like my cancer it seems to be hereditary. I find myself now, again, in what seems to be a downward cycle. It's different than the others I have experienced. Before I never saw it coming, this one I saw coming a mile away and did nothing to stop it. It seems I need to wallow for a while in my sadness, feel sorry for myself, be angry that all of this happened to me, to my family. The thing is I can function even though I am profoundly depressed. I get up every day, take care of my kid, get through the day without crawling in the back of the closet and hiding.

I am sure that Marnie saw this coming also. She always does, usually before I do. I wonder as I write this what she will think when she reads it. I have found myself in the last few weeks trying to reach out for help from her from girl friends, but each time I do we always get interrupted by something, or I just don't know what to say about it, or what to ask for.

I just feel so crappy about myself. I don't feel good enough, I never have. And no matter how many people love me and tell me how great they think I am I just never seem to believe them. This is all such a mystery to me.

Perhaps writing about this so publicly is one of the first steps to dragging myself out of this dark place that seems to be consuming me.