For me and for her

Writing so frankly about how I am feeling lately seems to have helped. Saying it out loud seems to be for me the first in a long line of steps to take control of this disease, depression, that seems to plague me. Don't ever ever believe anyone who says it is not a disease, this does not exist. Again, for those of you who don't know, I have a wonderful psychiatrist who has me well medicated. I thought this fact might put some minds at ease.

I am starting to talk about it. It feels like maybe the core to all this rests in how I see myself and how I think those outside myself see me. I really want to figure this out and change my perception, my personal reality.

I don't want Lucy to grow up ever thinking she is not good enough or not a valuable person. I want her to be strong and have a healthy sense of her worth in the world and to herself. I want to protect her from my own self loathing.

Several years ago before I really settled in a place of wanting to have kids I talked a lot to my therapist at the time about infecting my child with that which I had been infected. Passing on a legacy of sadness and anger, of boundaries being crossed that never should be, of feeling like personal private space is bad. I could go on and on. The crux of this is that my therapist said because I think so hard about this because it scares me so I will be vigilant to protect my child from it. She said I might not always succeed but I will certainly be better than those who raised me. I am not sure this is true but I like to think it is. I like to think that I am going to be able to raise a proud strong woman.

I hope I can figure this out for myself. Perhaps it will take me the
rest of my life to do it, but by god I intend to try, if not for myself
then for her.