The Implant

Last Friday I went in and they put a port into my chest. It's a catheter that is under my skin and goes directly into a vein and it is where they will administer the chemotherapy. That way they don't have to stick me in the veins every few weeks and risk leaking the toxic chemicals they are putting in my body or risk that my veins will soon say enough and collapse.

I have to say by far this is the creepiest thing I have had to go through to date. I feel a little like I have stepped into a sci-fi novel. I now have the implant and "big brother" can track my every move. I know, not really, but it's creepy and pretty damn sore.

Six days and counting to chemo.

Dy-no-mite!

You know how every once in a while you hear the news story on TV about how some guys is cleaning out his garage and he finds a really old stick of dynamite? The guy, with the dynamite, calls the police they evacuate the area and call the Hazmat crew. The Hazmat guys, come in and stabilize the thing, make sure it hasn't leached anything it wasn't suppose to and then they contain it and remove it.

Well, that's how, this morning in the shower, this whole situation plays out for me. I really feel like I am walking around with an unexploded, leaching stick of dynamite in my chest.

The Schedule

We finally have a schedule for my treatment. I will be having 6 rounds of chemotherapy over 18 weeks starting Monday May 8th. Between now and then I will have an outpatient surgery to install a port into my right shoulder area just above my right breast. This allows them to administer the therapy and take blood without poking my veins all the time. That surgery happens this Friday at 9am in Oakland at Summit Hospital. I will also be having a breast MRI on Monday May 1st, so that they can look more carefully at the structure of the tumor and also look at the right breast to see if there is anything there the PET scan couldn't catch.

Last week I had an echo-cardiogram and a lymph node biopsy. The biopsy came back "atypical and suspicious for metastatic carcinoma" really not a surprise, but certainly a disappointment. My surgeon said that she, the oncologist and the radiological oncologist conferred and decided to land on the side of caution and say that it is a positive node and that instead of doing a more invasive biopsy they would proceed with the therapy as scheduled. They felt like looking at the node more closely at his time would not change their decisions about my treatment.

I have been told my hair will fall out. So last Saturday I went and had it cut really short, much like I have been wearing it for the past few years, just a little shorter. Then in a few weeks I will have it shaved. I just can't go through loosing it a little at a time. Plus we didn't want to freak Lucy out so we thought a gradual change would be easier for her. It will be interesting to see how I look with a shaved head. I am thinking of piercing my nose and getting a new tattoo to complete the alternative look. When I met my dear friend Rachel she had her head shaved and looked amazing. She has these beautiful big eyes and really long eyelashes and a wonderfully shaped head. I can only hope I look half as good. It's a good thing I like hats and scarves.

I am already tired of being poked and prodded. My left breast looks like it has been beaten up. I know this is just the beginning. I really need the chemotherapy to work, I really, really need it.

Bulls**t

My tolerance for bulls**t has dropped to an almost non existent level. I have been advised by an amazing woman who has fought and survived breast cancer that this is totally normal and a very wise decision. Thanks Jody.

I Always Wanted an Entourage

I just didn't think I would have to have cancer to get one. I now have a surgical oncologist, a medical oncologist, and a whole lot of support staff that goes along with them, plus there is a tumor board (a comprehensive care group that includes cancer docs, social workers, plastic surgeons, etc.) that meet and discusses my case. Not to mention all of the wonderful friends who are stepping up to form groups to help us out with all the things we might need help with. I am overwhelmed by the love and support I am getting from everyone. It's not big enough, but all I can say is I love you guys and thank you.

Some Good News

Today I found out that the PET scan shows no evidence of cancer anywhere else but my breast and there are 2 suspicious lump nodes I will have to have biopsied (this was not totally unexpected). This is really great news. I also got confirmation that I do have invasive ductal cancer (the most common kind of breast cancer). Next we go to the medical oncologist to find out what my course of chemo will look like. That happens Wednesday. Finally some good news, finally.

Lovely

I had a glorious morning with my 2 favorite people in the whole world. Marnie and LucyBeck. There was an Easter Basket with bubbles, Weebles, a pinwheel and a giant balloon with a bunny driving a carrot. Simply lovely.

Cancer

Around Christmas time I found a lump in my breast. I really thought nothing of it at first because I was still breastfeeding and my breasts had been really lumpy from time to time over the last year. In my head I just figured it was a clogged milk duct and that was that. But, it didn't go away about a month later when I weened Lucy. In fact it seemed to get a little bigger.

I had the first of my freak outs one Sunday night in late January. Marnie insisted I call the doctor the next day. So I called my OBGYN and set up an appointment for that Wednesday. I went in with Marnie and Lucy in toe and she said it seemed like it was only a cyst (based on the size and position) and that they are usually nothing. She ordered a mammogram and a ultra sound if needed. I got in for the mammogram that Friday.

Again with Marnie and Lucy in toe off I went to the mammography center. They did the mammogram read the film and came in and said I needed and ultrasound. Freak out number two. I had them call Marnie back to be with me and about 20 minutes later, which seemed like the longest 20 minutes of my life, I was on the table being looked at. The technician said it was a fluid filled complex cyst and that was very good news. I have got to tell you it was a relief, but still I had a 3.5cm cyst in my breast, I was not completely at ease. The radiologist came in and told me I would need to have it aspirated by my doc and that there was really nothing to worry about. So we left and I scheduled the aspiration for two weeks later.

The aspiration at my docs office was not successful. She told me I would have to go to see a radiologist at the breast center and have them do it there where they could use an ultrasound machine to see where they were poking. I was not happy about this. It meant more waiting, turns out 3 more weeks of waiting.
So the last Thursday of March almost 2 months after going to my OBGYN for the initial lump appointment I had what I would call to date one of the most traumatic medical experiences of my life. Freak out number three. Lets just say that they drained about 15ccs of fluid out of a cyst that had almost doubled in size since I had the first ultrasound. On top of that someone was suppose to call me before the procedure and let me know what I was to do pre procedure and what to expect post procedure. This did not happen. While the very sweet Dr. was taking the biopsy he caught an area that was not numb, so it really hurt, really really bad. Thank god the doc had a great bedside manner, he was very sweet and stopped for a moment to comfort me. Turns out they were unable to get all of the cyst out so I was going to have to go see a surgeon to have it removed, freak out number four.

They told me they would have the pathology report in the next 48hrs and they felt it was really nothing to be concerned about. They were wrong. Freak out number five. I HAVE BREAST CANCER! Not really something I ever thought I would have to say.

In the last 2 weeks since I found out I have seen 2 surgeon, had my case reviewed by, what is delightfully know as, a tumor board, and had 2 more major tests. This past Thursday I had what is called a PET scan. It's a full body scan where they inject you with radioactive glucose and then put you in this big scanner that looks like a giant front end load washing machine. This tells them if it looks like the cancer has spread any where else in my body. I also had another biopsy on my lump. They (my ever growing team of docs) wanted to have more pathology on it before they make any more decisions on my course of treatment.

So sometime Monday I will find out the results of the PET scan and the biopsy. I am trying to go about the next couple of days as usual, but ever since April 3rd nothing has been as usual, nothing. I am trying really, really hard not to think and prepare myself for the worst, that way I won't be completely blindsided by any more bad news. I mean to date at ever turn of this journey things have not been as they should be. Even scenarios I was assured were impossible have come true.

I just need some good news and fast.

We Belong to Each Other

This morning we all, Marnie, Lucy, Emily (our lawyer), Luan (our dear friend and Em's partner) and I, went in front of a judge and he made official what we have all known was true from the start. We are a family. Marnie is now legally Lucy' mommy. Then later we, my family and I, went out and flew Lulu's new kite. Today was a great day, the best so far this year by miles. I love this little family of mine so very, very much.

Sleeping baby revisited

I was reading this today and it totally brought me back to when Lucy was 4 months old or so and Marnie woke up one night to my sobs. You see, I could never ever nurse and sleep at the same time. I am not a heavy enough sleeper. Lucy was constantly breast feeding, all night, every night and why not the boob was right there in the bed with her. So at 4 months old or so after much sleep deprivation and the threat of a complete break down Marnie looked at me and said this is what we are going to do. She had talk to some moms at work and they had suggested it. So I went out the next day and bought the book and we "trained" Lucy to sleep. This did not come without pit falls. It didn't take a couple days, it took several weeks and much anguish. I spent several nights with the ipod going pretty loud and under much fire from some very out spoken friends, think "you are abandoning your baby," but we buckled down and did it.

For the most part Lucy is now a good sleeper. She goes down at night around 8pm, sleeps pretty much straight through until around 5 or 6. At this point she requires a little milk and a snuggle then there is more sleep until about 8am. This seems a luxury to me, especially when I hear others talk about their quest for a better sleeping kid. It is a hard road, I think perhaps one of the hardest in the first year.

Ferberizing does not come without controversy and certainly does not work for everyone, but it worked for our family. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 15 months it's that parents are constantly taking information from here and there to try to find what works best for there situation and their kid. I have no business, and in my opinion, no one else has any business, telling another patent what is best for their kid or their family.

Thanks dooce for your honesty.

Help

At last! Marnie taught Lucy how to do the sign for help yesterday. Perhaps the shrieking will be reduced a bit. Ha! Some how I doubt that, but one can hope...