This is what I hold on to

She makes it all worth it...

Results!

I will spare you all the technical information but here is the last line of my PET/CT scan report:

"IMPRESSION: Significant reduction in size and SUV from the baseline examination consistent with a significant response to therapy".

My oncologist said as he reached out and touched my arm, "these are the best possible results".

WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Number 3

Tomorrow I have the third of six chemo treatments. Half way there. Dread is all I can feel tonight.

5 Years

Tomorrow will mark our 5th anniversary. Five years ago this weekend we signed a piece of paper in front of a notary that made us domestic partners (the closest thing we have to marriage). Look at how far we have come...


They hold my joy in their hands and hearts.

Another Test

I go in tomorrow for my follow up PET/CT scan. It's the one where they give you a Xanex, shot you full of radioactive glucose, stick you in a machine that looks like a giant from load washer and scan you entire body to see how things that are cancer glow. This follow up scan should tell them if the tumor is reacting to the chemotherapy. If it is we continue on our current path, if it is not then we reassess. I am settling in to the current paths ebbs and flows. Let's all hope and pray for a stay the course.

Monday is round 3 of chemotherapy. The half way mark!

Chicken Pot Pie

I thought I would write about something other than cancer and my daughter, so here goes.

I love chicken pot pie. It is my ultimate comfort food. So I would like to ask you folks out there if you have a pot pie recipe (doesn't have to be chicken) you could share with me I would love to hear from you.

The only recipe I currently have is the one from "The Joy of Cooking", and while it is really good it is really rich, think lots of creamy fatty goodness. So I would love some other takes on this favorite food of mine. Maybe I'll even have a pot pie party once all the recipes are in.

To contact me you can look to the right side of this page and click on "view my complete profile" then on the left side of the next window about half way down under "contact" click on the email button and fire away.

I am already preheating the oven.

I think she's the s**t!

Today I received a package form a really amazing friend from back home. She was the person who convinced me oh so many years ago to become a freelance graphic designer. Really one of the best career decisions I ever made. Stacey mentored me through that life transition and kept on being a source of work leads and moral support for years to come. She also over those months and years became a really great friend.

Not that long after I move to the bay area she made a major move of her own giving up a long established freelance graphic design business to go out on a limb and take a job designing books. I was I have to admit a little jealous, she moved to a city who's unofficial motto goes something like "50,000 lesbians can't be wrong" she is working for a company where she gets to design all kinds of cool craft books. Needless to say she has thrived there.

Stacey is by far one of the most creative, talented people I know. She's a great cook, does amazing stuff with all kinds of fiber, spins and dyes her own yarn, knits beautiful things, gardens, has great pets, I could go on and on. Well, you can only imagine how excited I was to find this package on my doors step today. It contained 2 great hats. One I immediately put on and still have on, it's now my official cover my bald head hat. I have decided it has special healing mojo knit in every stitch. The other hat is for cooler weather and is made form hand spun soy dyed yarn (yep she made it herself), a real treasure and incredibly soft. Plus there was a beautiful linen dress and a couple of other goodies.

This evening I wore the dress and my mojo hat to a great event we attended with some wonderful friends. Thank you Stacey, thank you so much. You are the s**t!

As if things couldn't get any better some friends came out today and helped us with some much need yard maintenance and planted a little patch of flowers in the front of our house. And then some other great friends watched Lucy for us so we could go to the aforementioned event. It has been a great day.

Thanks to today and the overwhelming generosity and kindness of many friends the last 2 weeks my spirits are higher than they have been in months. This and my family are what sustain me, what gets me through days like last Thursday.

My heart is full.

Hard

I had a really, really rough day yesterday. I was completely blind sided by a day of gastric upset and exhaustion like I haven't yet seen. I think the hardest part about it was that I had no idea it was coming. During the weeks I have chemotherapy I expect to be out of commission, but I had no idea this would happen. That more than a week after I had my last treatment I would suffer such a complete shut down.

Marnie and I had to scramble to get Lucy taken care of, our friend Adrienne and her daughter Stella came through again, thank god. I am realizing I have to let go. We are some how going to have to figure out how to get Lucy into childcare more regularly. This is much to my objection and great sadness. Letting go of this is definitely a work in progress for me.

There is so much more to say about this topic. I realize I am not sure how to share it all. Suffice to say I am feeling blind sided in many different ways right now and I am not sure how or where to ask for help.

a moment

Every once in a while lately I find my self wondering about the moment the cells started to clump together and form my cancer. The doctor said by the time a lump is detectable by hand or by mammogram it has probably been there for 4 to 5 years. This was devastatingly shocking to me, I was completely stunned. It stopped me in my tracks and made me wonder what decisions I would have made differently had I known. Really, I don't want to change any decisions. I have no regrets about the last 5 or so years of my life, absolutely none.

So when, when did it happen? Five years ago I was head over heels out of my mind in new love with Marnie. I was happier than I had been in years. I had recently moved to the bay area, shed 40 lbs without even trying. But really when, at what moment. Was I making a sandwich, cleaning the bathroom, driving to work, taking a shower, reaching for my toothbrush, throwing my arms up as I danced at the bar. When?

More Good News

The other day while at my surgeons office she took a biopsy of the skin tissue in the general vicinity of my lump. There was some concern I might have Inflammatory Breast Cancer because of some skin discoloration in the area. I got the call form her today and all is well. The biopsy is negative as we expected. WOOOOHOOO!!!!

Shrinking

Today I went to see my surgeon to have a marker put in to show where the tumor is in case it shrinks so much they can't find it during surgery. The doc used her ultrasound machine to see where to place the marker. She took some measurements and the tumor has shrunk already. Almost in half!

There are some other things that are still a little weird and the doc indicated it just means they have to think harder about my case. I will have another PET/CT scan (full body scan) before my next chemo treatment and that will give us a lot of information about my tumor and the lymph nodes.

But, in the mean time I am going to roll around in this good news with my lovely little family, please join us.

Chatty

Lucy's vocabulary is exploding. "Tractor," "car," "broccoli," "Satchel," "help me Lucy outside," "picture," "mine" just to name a few. Plus she has a new orange feather boa, which she can say. She also has a cute purse (can also say this one) she recently took over from one of Marnie's coworkers. I love this age. I am sure I have said this about may stages in her short life, but really this is an amazing age. I wallow in the joy of her everyday and thank the greater power that she is in my life.

Again

On Monday I have my second round of chemo. The dread has started to creep up into my throat. Even though I know this is helping me I still dread it. The week or so of sick, tired, feeling checked out from my family, I hate it.

As of yet I am unable to agree to put Lucy into childcare more than 2 days. I just can't do it, emotionally I want her near us or with dear friends who are parents to her closest playmates. I am sure at some point I am going to have to face the music and let her go more often. Marnie has been great about this, she has disagreed with me on the childcare thing, but is letting me win so far.

Speaking of Marnie. She is a rock. She is working like crazy, doing the commute from hell 5 days a week, taking care of me and Lucy all while holding me up when I fall apart, now not as often as before. I love her, I am not really sure what I did to deserve her.

Think of us Monday. Think shrink tumor, shrink!