Mother

I have no idea who in my family reads my blog so most of the time I refrain from writing about my parents and brother here, but I feel it necessary to for go that rule right now. I have some things I need to say about parenting and I can't say them without mentioning my mother. So if you are part of my family and don't want to hear anything negative about my mom then turn away, close your browser, get a beer, watch some tv, do something other than read on.

I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to figure out if I should have a child. Mainly because my childhood was so bad that I didn't want to visit that kind of crap on my own kid. Well we all know where I ended up with all of that.

My 77 year old mother left this morning after a five day visit with us. I was pretty stressed about her coming. She is not very mobile and it makes it difficult for us to really go anywhere or do anything. Being home bound with a almost 4 year old is not fun for more than 24 hours believe me.

What I didn't see coming was how completely pissed off I was going to be at my mom the entire time she was here. You see it seems that the older Lucy gets the more pissed off I get at my mother. Now let me tell you I spent a ton of money in therapy working through my feelings about my mom and I thought I had it down. I was at peace or so I thought. What happened to me this weekend and what I have now come to realize so clearly is that I am stunned, flabergasted, floored that she could treat her children the way she did! I look at my own daughter and it is beyond me how she could do even half of what she did to me. I know, I know she had her own terrible mother, she came from a generation that didn't go to therapy, she did the best she could, yada yada yada. The thing is her complete and utter lack of introspection is stunning.

So where does this leave me you might ask? Well, I must get some concrete skills to cope with my anger when I am around her. It's not fun for anyone and I am not okay having a repeat performance of last weekend ever again. It also leaves me with the clear vision of the kind of mother I want to be and am trying to be. I am stopping the cycle with me. My daughter will not suffer the sins of my mother through me, period.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Everyone one says it and it's true, really. I hope that Lucy knows how much I love her. I try my best to listen to her when she talks to me, treat her with respect, and treat her like a person not a possesion. Right there, just with those three things I am leaps and bounds beyond my mother.